The Mommy Minutes

Charlotte and Mackenzie are 5 years and 4 months apart. This was by design – mostly because Charlotte was a shit show of a baby, and then a toddler, and when everyone around me was getting pregnant with their second when their first was only two or three years old I knew there was no way in hell I could manage that with the difficulties I was already experiencing. Then we were moving and I knew I wanted to be settled before I got pregnant again and then I got pregnant and had the baby during COVID so that was really fun. ANYWAY, I knew the age gap would be significant but it’s also been the best thing for us since Mackenzie is just Charlotte 2.0 as a toddler – except worse somehow? I couldn’t deal with a feral Charlotte as a toddler AND a feral baby at the same time, you know? I’ve done the smart thing and spread out the feral across the years. I like how people say if you have an easy first baby you’ll have a wild second baby as if you can’t have two of the most difficult, stubborn creatures to walk the planet as your children and never get an easy one????? I’M DOING FINE GUYS.

The age gap now is interesting because I have to experience the same behavior in different ways. For example, Charlotte rolls her eyes at me and is sarcastic and nasty in a more grown up way and I get to scream at her and punish her for her insolence while she stomps up the stairs and tells me that her life isn’t fair. Mackenzie rolls her eyes at me and screams at me (and on my luckiest days she will even try to hit me!) and I get to pretend to punish her because at three years old she still doesn’t understand exactly what a punishment is and then she just hugs me and says “are you still mad to me?” I have to navigate Charlotte’s anxiety over the state tests coming up and I have to navigate Mackenzie’s anxiety over what her socks will feel like on her feet going to school or what stuffed animal she’s going to bring or what jacket she’s going to wear. In case you were wondering, in the winter she wore a sweatshirt, but now that it’s spring time she wants to wear her winter coat. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.

I lay with Mackenzie every night until she falls asleep, just like I did with Charlotte. But I STILL get to sit in Charlotte’s room every night while she falls asleep! SEE! ALL THE THINGS IN DIFFERENT WAYS!

I may have made a mistake in waiting so long between children. Because now that I’ve realized as we get out of the harder parts of parenting Charlotte we will just have to relive it once again. And by this I obviously mean math homework. There is no way I’m going to retain this information by the time Mackenzie is learning it and will have to suffer this all over again.

I’M FINE GUYS. JUST FINE.

A few weeks back during Charlotte’s February break I took her to work with me. She has come to work with me before but she hadn’t been to the office since pre-pandemic times so she was basically a toddler and only wanted to go to the Sea Glass carousel at the end of the visit. The end of this visit culminated in milkshakes and fried pickles from Black Tap, which was the highlight of her day, but her time in the office was the highlight of mine. Here’s why.

In case you didn’t know, I work for a federal judge in Manhattan. I visited Charlotte’s class for career day and spoke to the kids about my job and what we do in federal court, so she has an understanding of what happens in the building and the types of cases we see. (This was a fun day – when I told the kids about a case involving a pirate, they asked me if he had a hook hand and a peg leg.) Now, I can tell this particular story because federal court is open to the public, which means that anyone could walk off the street, head through security and visit any proceeding they wish, as long as it isn’t a case that’s under seal. You just can’t bring in a cell phone or record anything, and since Charlotte doesn’t have a phone (much to her dismay) this wouldn’t be an issue. We had a court proceeding in the afternoon that Charlotte came in to watch, and as the proceeding went on and details started to emerge, she turned to look at me and whispered into my ear, “mom, what’s cocaine?” It was in this moment that I realized perhaps this wasn’t my best idea. She also noticed a group of people come into the courtroom and sit in the back and asked me who they were and I told her it was probably the defendant’s family. As we left the courtroom when the matter was done she looked at me and said, “I bet his family is pretty disappointed in him.” So maybe she learned something!

When she went back to school after break she told me that she told her class about her trip to the courthouse. I immediately asked what she told them, worrying that she has now informed a group of third graders on what cocaine is, and she said “I told them all I saw a real prisoner in real prison clothes!”

Prisoners and milkshakes, for sure a day to remember.

Dear Charlotte,

I say it every year when I write your birthday letter – how is the time going by so fast? How am I writing your ninth birthday letter when it was just yesterday you were a tiny bundle in my arms? Nine seems like a milestone in and of itself, your last single digit birthday. It’s true when they say the days are long but the years are short.

I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. You have always, ALWAYS, marched to the beat of your own drum. You wear what you want and do what you want and nobody can tell you otherwise. Those qualities will serve you well as you get older, even though they’ve led to our fair share of arguments through the years.

You are in such a rush to grow up and I wish I could pump the brakes a bit. I never thought I’d be sharing skincare with a nine year old, but here we are. I guess it’s not the worst habit you could have picked up over this last year since sunscreen and moisturizer are very important things in life. Who knows, maybe your careful habit of cleansing and moisturizing will lead to a Botox free life!

You are so very determined to excel at things you want to do. You worked so hard to land a back handspring this last year, and now you are doing three and four of them in a row across the gymnastics floor. You went from crashing into your bar to nailing triple back hip circles with ease. Your upper body strength is unmatched! I have yet to beat you in an arm wrestle, and Lord knows I’ve tried!! Watching you do gymnastics is such a joy – because I see the joy it brings you and I know how hard you’ve worked.

There are moments where I still see the baby in you. But those moments are less and less, and I know one day soon, sooner than I’d like, those brief flashes of your baby face will be nothing more than a memory. You are the girl who made me a mom, who changed my life in ways I never thought possible. I wish I could keep you little forever, safe at home with me where you do nothing but flip on your bar and we sing Taylor Swift songs at the top of our lungs. But I know it’s not my job to keep you near me, and every year on your birthday I’m reminded that you’re getting closer to you going out into the world to make your mark. And knowing you – the headstrong, stubborn, sensitive and beautiful girl I brought into the world nine years ago – oh, what a mark that will be.

I love you my Charlotte Shea. Happy birthday!

Every night before she goes to bed Mackenzie has to pick out a few songs for us to listen to while she falls asleep. The songs change on a rolling basis. For example, during the Christmas season we had to listen to “sleepy merry christmas” and “sleepy jingle bells” which were just instrumental versions of the songs. This went on until mid January. Sometimes she likes to listen to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star for a month. There was a good long stretch where we listened to Daughters of Triton from The Little Mermaid. The songs change, but one thing remains the same. I have to sing them. I have to sing them the way she wants them sung. I have to perform until she is asleep. The current song of the month? Feliz Cumpleanos. Yes – she insists on listening to Happy Birthday in Spanish. She lays down and says “IT’S COOMPEANOS TIME!!” and then she makes me begin the show. After about three weeks of this I’ll tell you I’d make a killing on the Mexican restaurant circuit. I could sing Feliz Cumpleanos with the best of them. Ballad style, mariachi style, rock style – no matter what I can perform this song to the best of my abilities. Every night when you put your own children to sleep I want you to think of me singing CUMPLEANOS FELIZ!! CUMPLEANOS A TIIIIIIIIII!! and I want you to be thankful that you don’t have to live your life the way I live mine.

I’ve got some weird kids, man.

I often find myself wondering if I should continue to write in this space or hang it up – mostly because I remember the early days of writing here where I would complain daily about Charlotte’s antics and not sure if I should continue in that trend with the kids since they’re growing up. But I think I’ll keep at it, because this space will be my memories of them when I am old and gray and they can understand they are the reason that I am old and gray at.

New year, same kids. Mackenzie has had a tough week adjusting back to school after the holiday break. With no more threats of the Elf or Santa, I’m resorting to saying the Elf can come back and take all of her toys away, which I am fairly certain she knows is absolute bullshit. She almost didn’t make it to school today because of her antics. She is in that stage where she is desperate to be independent – insisting on dressing herself, on feeding herself, on doing everything HERSELF – but still too young to actually manage to get herself ready in the morning without a meltdown. The sweatpants she has worn to school every day for months have now become “too heavy” and the leggings I have as a backup are “too tight.” The sweatshirt she has worn for months is no longer “soft enough” and she just wants to wear her Christmas dress every day of her life. Honestly, if she did not have to wear a uniform I would probably let her wear the Christmas dress to school every day if it meant she got out the door without an issue. A new problem is whenever she cries (often) she has to take her glasses off because “MINE EYES ARE WET!” She also could not find her red mittens today so that of course became a travesty of epic proportions. I don’t really know how to navigate mornings like this, and it upsets me that so many of our mornings are like this. I have to go to work, she has to go to school, you’d think by now she would understand the logistics of it all? I have tried all manners of bribing and yelling and punishments, but I never know what Mackenzie I’m going to get in the morning and it gives me anxiety whenever I wake up. I keep saying this too shall pass, but what if it doesn’t? I don’t know why it sometimes seems like I have birthed two of the most difficult children to walk this planet. I know in the grand scheme of things these mornings will be blips on the radar, but right now they are very real issues that make life difficult every day. Hopefully next week will be better? I give up.

Charlotte continues to be a teenager in an 8 (almost 9!) year old’s body. We fight every single day over the fact that she cannot have a phone or an Apple watch, that she cannot wear mascara to school (she tries to put it on after I leave the house and can’t yell at her) and that she can’t wear crop tops unless it is to gymnastics. If it’s this crazy now I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like when she actually is a teenager. Her attitude is unreal – rolling her eyes when she think I can’t see, talking back and just being generally disrespectful for no reason at all. It’s like she is testing the boundaries every chance she gets. We are constantly butting heads. The fights she and Mackenzie have are loud and vicious. I feel like someone (mainly me) is always screaming in our house. I am afraid for our future.

But then there are the good moments – and there are good moments. When Charlotte kisses her sister goodbye unprompted. When Mackenzie tells Charlotte she loves her. When they actually play together and give me a moment’s peace. Mackenzie still wants me to hold her and cuddle her (and sleep with her) every day, always telling me how much she loves me. Charlotte still asks for love and hugs and lets me pick her up even though she is almost as tall as I am. She loves to talk about Taylor Swift with me and begged me to come to career day at school. They always want to be around me (sometimes in a suffocating way) and for that I am grateful. As difficult as they can be and as tough as this season of life feels, they really do make me laugh and smile every day.

But still, could we maybe have some more easy mornings this year? Pretty please?

This will always be my headline for as long as I have young children during this time of year. I cannot even explain how amazing our Elf has been in terms of getting Mackenzie to behave. It is WILD what a good child she has become now that Baci is lurking around our house. This morning when my dad came over and asked if she was going to be good for him to take her to school, (she usually throws some sort of fit over her underwear or socks or whatever is bothering her in that moment), she immediately glanced up at Baci where he was perched on the doorway. It’s magic I tell you! Magic! And she was wonderful going to school! Between the Elf, the threats of FaceTime with Santa and Charlotte constantly screaming “YOU DON’T WANT TO BE A YULE LOG KID DO YOU?!” I think I have the best behaved toddler on the block right now.

While I am truly relishing the fear this season brings, I am also loving the sweetness this brings out in the girls. The other morning I found the two of them looking up at Baci (who was on the TV) talking about the good things they’ve done. Charlotte was telling him about the Angel tree when we went shopping, where we picked out ornaments to buy items for people in need. Charlotte chose a 2 year old boy who wanted pajamas, a hat & mittens and a blanket. Mackenzie looked up at him and said “we really love each other!” Then they made him cards to bring back to the North Pole and gave him a card to circle if they’ve been naughty or nice. Because I’m not a complete monster I circled nice and left it with him in his new spot. They were so excited to find it the next morning. Charlotte has been leaving little notes for him every day, and I’m collecting them and keeping them in a safe place so in 20 years I can look back on them and cry. I love how excited they are to open their advent calendar each morning, and change the date on our countdown to Christmas board. Mackenzie is at the perfect age for all of this and I know Charlotte is creeping closer to the age where she won’t believe anymore, so I am savoring each and every moment I can.

But until then, fear is the ultimate Christmas magic.

I was very lucky with Charlotte in the sense that while she may have never slept as a baby or a toddler, she never really got sick. Sure, she suffered from the usual colds and sniffles during the winter months, but we were rarely ever in the doctor’s office. The first time she needed antibiotics she was five years old and she hasn’t needed them since. When she got COVID in 2021 she took a nap and when she woke up she seemed perfectly fine. Knock on wood her immune system continues in this fashion – so far, so good. Enter Mackenzie.

I knew when she went to school we would be opening the floodgates to germs. I did not expect the constant stream of sickness though. Since October 13 she has had a virus, a viral ear infection, strep throat and roseola. She got roseola while still on antibiotics for strep throat. We are STILL TAKING THE ANTIBIOTICS and she is sick again. She spent last weekend with a high fever from Friday to Sunday, and then she spent this weekend with a fever and a cough. Yesterday morning she woke up covered in a rash from head to toe, which we learned is what roseola is. Today she woke up and the rash is even worse. She is a walking disease. Charlotte looked at her this morning and said “it’s gross to look at you.” SHE IS NOT WRONG.

I’m glad her mood is fine and she is eating again, because she barely ate with the strep throat and barely ate this weekend with the onset of roseola. But this rash, man. It is so disgusting and while much of my internet research says the rash is mild and clears up in 1-2 days I would venture to guess she has supercharged roseola because it is NOT mild or clearing up. Her arms and legs are covered in redness. Her cheeks are red and splotchy. She is a hot mess and it’s just been a lot. I feel like a novice to childhood illnesses and it just seems like too much all at once. I am bone tired from constantly getting up with her at night — whether for a fever, or a cough, or the fact that she can’t get comfortable because her nose has been stuffy since September. I want to write an email to OLLY vitamins and tell them the immunity gummies I have continued to purchase and dole out every morning are a package of lies and I may as well just be giving her sour patch kids for all the good it’s doing. We are waving the white flag!!

But in all of this, Charlotte’s health has held strong, so I guess I should be thankful to only have one sick child instead of two. I have also somehow managed not to succumb to any of this shit even though she has coughed directly into my mouth and her rash covered body is on top of me 8 hours out of the day, so I’ll count that as a win too. I’m just hoping we can maybe have one healthy weekend in sight and get off the carousel of sickness for just a bit?

My parents have been away for the past week which means my built in morning and afternoon childcare (my dad) is gone, so I have had to get the girls to school before I go to work and then leave early to pick them up. It’s been hectic and exhausting but we’ve made it work. The mornings are fun, and by fun, I mean a shit show. Here is today.

My alarm goes off and Mackenzie (who is in my bed because she woke up at 1 AM screaming “mommy I told you not to leave me and YOU LEFT ME”) begs for two more minutes. We go downstairs to Charlotte’s moaning about how she is NOT getting up no matter what I say. This is fine because I can let her sleep for another half an hour. Mackenzie wants me to wrap her in a blanket like a burrito and leave her on the couch which is just fine by me. Most mornings she wants me to hold her and sing a song, but only in the way she wants me to sing it, so I get a voice lesson from a 3 year old before the sun even rises. I make my coffee, she demands a sip, and I get started on breakfast. I whip up some french toast and scrambled eggs because I know they both enjoy it. I wake Charlotte up just as I’m finishing plating the food and she stomps down the stairs like a bear coming out of hibernation. Mackenzie sits at her table and Charlotte sits at the kitchen island while I go downstairs to get their clothes out of the dryer and I hear Charlotte whispering to Mackenzie: “isn’t this disgusting?” When I come back upstairs she says to me, and I quote, “I’m not trying to be rude and I’m not sure what’s happening with your cooking but it’s getting disgusting.” Mackenzie says “it’s not disgusting but I not eating these eggs!” And that’s how I ate 3 lukewarm scrambled eggs even when I wasn’t hungry because I refused to let them go to waste on my ungrateful children.

Charlotte is now counting down the minutes because HEAVEN FORBID she doesn’t arrive at school by 7:29 AM even when the doors don’t open until 7:30. She gets dressed without a problem (for once) while Mackenzie screams at me for “a little treat” because I guess she thinks she’s a dog and deserves something. They take their vitamins and brush their teeth while I am getting dressed and Charlotte tells me “you have really good abs, mom” which I guess makes up for her prior comment about my cooking skills. We are somehow all dressed on time (even though I had to fix Mackenzie’s underwear 15 times) and then Mackenzie insists on wearing a winter coat, hat and gloves, because why not? Mackenzie screams in the backseat that daddy took all the sour candy and she wants the sour candy, Charlotte tells her to shut up and off we go!

I swear I feel like I have lived a few lifetimes before even getting to my desk. I can’t wait until my dad gets back.

Oh how I look back upon the days when I would place Mackenzie in her crib and she’d say goodnight and go to sleep until the morning. It feels like those days are a fever dream because her sleep now is nothing but a nightmare. The entire routine could take anywhere from 15 minutes to 3 hours and the best part is I never know how long it’s going to take until I’m in the thick of it. It’s an easy routine. We go up to her room, put on her nightlight and then she demands I lay down with no pants on because my pants “annoy” her. Then she chooses a song to listen to while she lays on me like a weighted blanket until she falls asleep and I move her over and crawl out the room army style. Some would say this is a problem of my own making and to that I say I freaking know, ok? I KNOW. But right now it is what it is and we have what we have! Anyway, there are nights I am whisper screaming at her to go the hell to sleep and there are other nights where I am laughing out loud. Here are a few stories.

The music choice changes nightly. She has to go into DJ mode and choose the song that best fits her mood. Is it raining outside? Then she picks Rain, Rain, Go Away. Was it a good day? Then she chooses Barbie Girl by Aqua. Oh, you’ve never gone to sleep to the soothing sounds of COME ON BARBIE LET’S GO PARTY on repeat for an hour? You don’t know what you’re missing. A lot of the nights she chooses Part of Your World but we have to distinguish between the new one and the old one. One night she said to me: “I want Part of the World! But the one with no people.” I didn’t know what the heck she was talking about so I put the old one on because I’m a traditionalist. Ariel crooned out the famous line, “I wanna be where the people are” and Mackenzie instantly picked up her head and said: “see, the people. I want the one with no people.” We went back and forth about how there is no version of Part of Your World without any people in it and that while I understood her aversion to crowds it just doesn’t exist. She was demanding a song with no people so I told her I’d write to Alan Menken and ask him to write her a new version. “Good. You write him now.” And that was that. Last night she wanted You Are My Sunshine but she wanted me to sing along with it and was then critiquing how I sang it because it wasn’t “squeaky” enough. She’s also yelled at me for singing Part of Your World wrong because I don’t sing it like Ariel. Sorry I wasn’t born with the vocal prowess of Jodi Benson, but you’re going to take what you get.

Once I get her to sleep I’m safe (usually) for a few hours, but she always freaking wakes up and starts screaming “WHY AM I ALONE! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME!” even though I explain to her every night that I’m going to leave and go in my bed. Sometimes I’ll lay under her in her room again (no pants, because they’re annoying) but most of the time because I am a weak and defeated I just bring her in my room where she throws an apoplectic fit if the corner of the blanket even touches her. Could you imagine going to bed at night with no blanket? Mackenzie HATES coverings of any kind. Her preferred sleeping arrangements are no pillow, no blanket, no clothes. She’d do well in prison. She’d probably be the head of a prison gang, to be honest. So the nights she is in my bed (read: every night) I have to wait for her to fall asleep in order to put the blanket back on me. Why is she like this?

Charlotte no longer sleeps with me, which is a miracle in itself because you all remember how she was, but on the nights she has a nightmare or just can’t sleep she will come up to my room and Mackenzie will lose her shit. We have had nights where she has woken Charlotte up at 2 AM because Charlotte came up first and Mackenzie came up later and saw her in the bed and just screams until Charlotte leaves. Every night when she wakes up she whispers “Charwit is in her bed right? No Charwit in mommy’s bed? Charwit not gonna kick me?” Poor Char. But then again I did my sentence with her in my bed so I really do not need both of them.

I imagine one day I will look back on these times and laugh. I doubt it, but I tell myself what I need to just to get through the nights. The dark and lonely and sleepless nights. Pass the espresso.

I typically loathe Monday nights. When I get home from work Eric has to go to sleep in order to wake up for his overnight shift and I always feel very stressed out with everything that needs to be done in the small window of time before the kids go to bed. Dinner, homework, baths, actually getting them to sleep at a decent hour, getting a workout in before 10 PM – it’s really a lot. Most Monday nights are a whirlpool of disaster, but last night was one of the rare occurrences where everything was – dare I say – perfect?

Charlotte got her homework and studying done before I got home which is always a win. The house wasn’t a crazy mess so there wasn’t a lot to clean up. Both kids were in a good mood. Eric went to sleep and I started on dinner. Mackenzie was easy since she eats like a prison inmate. I was making breaded porkchops for me and Eric and Charlotte, in a shock heard around the world, asked if she could help me. This child, who eats NO meat and is grossed out by everything, breaded every single pork cutlet for me. She just got right in there and did the most fantastic job and I truly could not believe it. Once those were in the oven she asked me if she could make her own dinner, and while I assisted she pretty much prepared herself two quesadillas and scrambled eggs all by herself. I feel like there is a new level of parenthood unlocked when your child cooks for themselves, and I could see how proud she was of herself for all of the mealtime assistance she provided.

After dinner the 3 of us had a 20 minute dance party – which is an activity that I always forget makes us all so happy and gets the wiggles out – and then the kids cleaned up their stuff without me having to scream at them like a drill sergeant. We tried on Halloween costumes and played dress up and then I was able to clean the kitchen without Charlotte begging me to watch her flip across the house or Mackenzie asking me to pick her up, and then it was bedtime. Mackenzie went to sleep by 8 PM, a miracle in and of itself on a school night, and then I was able to workout and take a shower before putting Charlotte to bed (who also fell asleep with zero problems) and I was in my own bed by 9:30. I laid there and just fully embraced this good night. It is so easy for me to just hold on to all the bad times and to dwell on the negativity that I really wanted to embrace this win. One of the best Monday nights I’ve had in a while. I felt calm and happy and went to bed without any of my usual nagging thoughts.

And then this morning Mackenzie woke up like an angry elf and caused so much chaos in such a short span of time I wondered if it were my punishment for such a splendid evening. Oh well, I guess I can’t win them all?