This One Goes Out to the Pregnant Ladies

I can honestly say I loved being pregnant.  I had a very easy pregnancy with the usual pregnancy complaints that are unavoidable, with a few bouts of terrible sciatica, but for the most part it was great.  I loved feeling the baby move, I loved watching how my body transformed and I loved growing another human life.  I know this may not be the case for everyone, but I urge all you preggos out there: love your pregnancy now.  Love everything that comes with it, because once that baby comes nobody is going to give one single fuck about you.  Rub your belly in public, get a seat on the subway EVERY SINGLE TIME, eat ALL OF THE THINGS.  Seriously, I cannot stress this enough.  If you plan on nursing there is a chance your baby will not be able to handle anything dairy like my baby.  This can happen to you.  TAKE BALLS OF MOZZ TO THE FACE NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN.  Eat sticks of butter.  Put butter on your butter.  Eat all of the baked goods that fit into your body.  When you feel like you can’t take another bite, lay down for 10 minutes and try again.  DO THIS.

Don’t worry about pregnancy weight gain.  Those pounds will come off eventually, and you will be too tired to even give a shit in the beginning.  You are growing a human for fucks sake.  You need to gain weight.  Gain whatever and worry about it later.

Let everyone pamper you.  Seriously, play up your pregnancy to the 10th degree.  ESPECIALLY if this is your first pregnancy.  When it’s your second nobody is going to care because you already have a child and they’ve already seen you pregnant.  Go for prenatal massages as often as you can.  Let people open doors for you.  Let people bask in the glory that is your pregnant form.  You are a goddess.  A beautiful, round goddess who I hope is eating cheese as you read this.  Remember, BALLS OF MOZZ, TO THE FACE.

You do you, pregnant girls.  Enjoy it all now.  We can’t wait until you pop the little ones out and join us on the crazy train.

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