To the Ladies with No Babies

You really don’t realize exactly just how much life is going to change after you have a baby until you actually have that baby.  It’s one of the most cliche sayings out there, that nothing will be the same after the little one arrives, but good lord is it true.  And it isn’t like you can even really figure out the things you’re going to miss most before you have the baby, because it’s really an experience that you need to be immersed in to remember what the days of pre-baby yore are really like.  Well baby-less ladies, it’s your lucky day because I’m here to give you a handy list of what to enjoy NOW before you decide to pop out your bundle of joy.

  1. If you’re able, take off all of your clothes right now and go look at your naked body in the mirror.  Look at it and remember it.  Take a mental photograph.  Take an actual photograph if you’d like, but remember that it’s 2015 and the hackers are winning and you don’t want to be all over reddit in your naked glory.  Unless you do want that, which in that case go ahead and upload your nudes you little minx.  Now, after you’re good and naked, remind yourself that your body IS NEVER GOING TO LOOK LIKE THIS EVER AGAIN.  I’m not saying it’s going to change for the worse after baby.  I’m not saying you’re going to gain 500 pounds and never lose the weight.  What I am saying is no matter how quickly you snap back into shape after baby, your body is going to be different.  Forever.  And it SHOULD be.  I mean if you GROW A HUMAN FROM SCRATCH and then have that human removed from you, wouldn’t it make sense that shit would change?  I lost all of my baby weight already (humble brag humble brag) but my body is no where near what it was like before Charlotte came out of it.  The entire shape of my body changed.  There are stretch marks to remind me of the last two weeks of growth on my hips.  There are stretch marks on my boobs.  There are probably stretch marks everywhere and I’m just mentally blocking them out.  So just remember what your body is like now, pre baby making machine.  Embrace it and love it.  And then after you have that baby embrace your body even MORE.  Every mark and every pound that’s left on you is proof of a miracle.  You’ll be even more beautiful even if you think you’re not.
  2. Go out with your boyfriend/husband/friends and get REALLY drunk.  Wake up the next morning and experience the hangover.  Experience that hangover on your couch, watching Netflix and eating bacon, egg & cheese sandwiches with nobody to bother you.  LOVE that hangover, because after you have a baby, not only will you be getting drunk like um, never, but the first month or two of your new life with your baby will be one giant fucking hangover.  And there will be no Netflix and BEC’s, there will only be diaper explosions and crying infants.
  3. Have sex.  Seriously, just go and have normal, good old fashioned sex.  Things change my friend, oh do they change.
  4. Buy nice clothes for yourself.  Wear those clothes everywhere.  Throw a statement necklace onto everything.  After the baby you won’t wear the nice clothes because a) they won’t fit for a while and b) you won’t want bodily fluids on them and the statement necklaces will need to be put away because you’ll realize they will become a full on fucking weapon if you wear them near your baby.
  5. Read books and articles that aren’t found on babycenter.com or the baby sleep site, because once that baby comes every single thing you read will be about the color of your child’s shit or if side sleeping will lead to SIDS.
  6. Go see all of the movies you want to see.  I’ve seen one movie in the theater since Charlotte has been alive even though I’ve wanted to see about 25.  It’s an ordeal to go to the movies now, not to mention that in NYC the ticket prices are like 5 billion dollars each (I’m estimating) so you won’t be seeing much unless your husband finds an illegal movie site online and you have enough energy to watch a movie after the baby goes to bed.  I’M NOT SAYING THIS IS HOW IT GOES IN MY HOUSE.  All hypothetical situations here.
  7. Go eat at fancy restaurants.  I can’t say that I no longer go out to eat, because I’ve been bringing Charlotte to restaurants since she was about a month old.  We go out all the time and it’s nice, but I know which places to take her to and which places to avoid.  We mostly go to diners and family friendly places now, so the fancy steakhouses are no longer in the baby routine.  Go to Peter Luger’s now before you have a child and enjoy a steak for me.  I’ve actually never been to Peter Luger’s and I have pretty much frequented diners most of my life, so I don’t know why I think I am a fancy restaurateur all of a sudden.  BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
  8. Take pictures of your food and your friends.  I used to take pictures of my food all the time.  I was your basic white girl taking photos of her waffles and pumpkin spice lattes and posting them on Instagram.  Now I am that annoying as fuck mother taking 9 million photos of her baby and posting those on Instagram.  My phone is FULL of baby pictures, usually the same one over and over and over again trying to get the perfect smile.  I had to upgrade my iCloud storage because I’m afraid to even delete any.  Once you have a baby your phone will no longer be friend and food zone it’s going to be baby central U.S.A. and you’ll be spending a million dollars in iCloud storage.
  9. Sleep.  OH MY GOD STOP READING THIS AND GO SLEEP.  I don’t care if you just woke up.  I don’t care if you’re not tired.  I don’t care if you have to go to work.  Get the fuck back in bed and close your eyes and sleep.  Sleep long, uninterrupted hours.  Even if you have a baby that sleeps through the night (fuck you.  I’m kidding.  No, I’m not.) you’ll still never sleep like you did before.  Take an ambien and sleep for three days JUST SLEEP AND ENJOY IT AND DON’T EVER TELL ME THAT YOU’RE TIRED.  And then when you have a baby come to me when you’re crying and exhausted and I will hold your hand and tell you that yes, it will get better (no it won’t) and yes, it is totally normal to google “will sleep exhaustion actually kill me” because I’ve totally googled that and yes, you will be fine.

Enjoy your lives now ladies with no babies.  Enjoy every minute of freedom.  From the minute of conception life as you know it will be over forever.  But man oh man does it get AMAZING.  You will forget what life was like before and you will never want it to be the way it was again.  I LOVE my life now more than I ever have and I am so excited for all of the things to come.  Having a baby fucking rocks.

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