The Time Has Come, The Walrus Said…

…to stock the F up on alcohol.

Our time with the crib has *most likely* officially come to an end.  I am not ready for this.  Eric is not ready for this.  Charlotte sure as shit ain’t ready for this.  After The Great Crib Escape of Saturday night, I thought I had it all figured out by moving her table.  She was falling asleep on the couch and we were moving her sleeping body like a bomb that was about to go off into her crib. This was working for 3 days.  I use the term working loosely, because she was up at 4:30 one morning and then 1 AM the next morning to come in my bed.  BUT she was sleeping in her crib for part of the night so I was declaring victory.

And then we got to last night.  Where AN HOUR on the couch was not leading to sleep.  The kid WOULD. NOT. GO. TO. SLEEP.  I was dying.  All I wanted to do was my yoga workout and go to bed at 9.  But here we were, at 8:30, with this kid opening her eyes every time I moved off the couch.  I went to pee and while I was in there Eric decided to toss her in the crib like he did on Saturday night.  After all this time he doesn’t learn from his mistakes.  I did not even have the toilet flushed before I heard her knocking on the door demanding that we open it.  Is she some sort of fucking ninja?  I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW SHE GOT OUT SO FAST.  Let alone how she got out without the help of the table, since I rearranged her ENTIRE ROOM on Sunday morning, hoping to avoid this problem.  She walked out with the biggest smile on her face and triumphantly shouted, “I GOT OUT!”  Thanks, Captain Obvious.  She, of course, ended up in my bed at this point because I couldn’t deal with her anymore and just wanted to sleep.  She didn’t go to bed until after 9 PM.  She still woke up at 5:30 too, so you can imagine how pleasant she was this morning.

So here we are.  At a crossroads.  All paths lead to hell.  We think we are going to forgo the toddler bed entirely and just get a twin bed.  I know sure as shit that she isn’t going to sleep in the toddler bed, and to be honest, I have had enough sleep training.  I’m not going to do that fucking training method where you walk the kid back to their room 100 times a night until they decide to stay in there.  Charlotte is never going to decide to stay in there.  If I have learned anything, it is that Charlotte makes her own choices and I have had it up to HERE with all the parenting methods and bullshit I’ve found on the internet.  Cry it out, Ferber method, chair method, I’ve done all of them.  And still, here we are.  Eric and I are so done.  We just want her to go to sleep without having to listen to her scream anymore.  So if I have to lay with her on a twin bed until she falls asleep and then slither out like a snake every night, I will.  And if she wakes up and comes into my bed every night, I don’t even give a shit anymore.  I really, really don’t.  Eric doesn’t sleep with me 5 nights a week, so WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL.  And on the weekends one of us can go sleep in the twin bed she will ultimately refuse to sleep in.  And by one of us, I mean Eric, because Charlotte doesn’t let me out of her damn sight.

I’m going to try the couch to crib again tonight, but I don’t care where she sleeps anymore.  As long as she sleeps and doesn’t launch herself out of her sleeping area like a ninja.  We have had enough.  AND THIS IS WHY WE WON’T HAVE A SECOND BABY YET.

Honestly, I am more afraid of getting pregnant now than I was when I was a teenager.  This is the reality I am living in.

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