Funny Little Things

Last night when I got home I asked Charlotte what she wanted for dinner like always.

Me: Do you want macaroni?

Charlotte: NO!

Me: Do you want bread? Cucumbers and dip? A scrambled egg? String cheese?  Shredded cheese?  A yogurt? The blood of our enemies?

Charlotte: NO NO NO. NOO NO NOOO.

Me: So what would you like for dinner, my darling precious girl?  Please tell your mother, the short order line cook in your life.


I laughed at her and said she couldn’t have candy for dinner.   I said candy is a treat and candy is not a nutritious meal that will make her big and strong.  Too much candy is not good for little growing girls!  She said okay and I managed to get half a cucumber (with about 47 tablespoons of ranch dressing), some macaroni and some bread into her for dinner.  I declared this a victory.

And then I sat on my couch after I put her to bed and I laughed and laughed and laughed.  Why?  Because on Monday I ate Twizzlers for lunch.  JOKE IS ON YOU KIDDO.  CANDY CAN BE A MEAL!  HIP HIP HOORAY FOR BEING THE ADULT!


Winter is Here

UGH YOU GUYS.  Game of Thrones!! Game of F*&KING THRONES!!!!  I have never been so happy to throw my child in her crib and prepare myself for an epic hour of one of the greatest TV shows in the history of ever.  If you are not watching you are MISSING OUT!  I won’t say anymore in case some of you haven’t gotten a chance to watch it yet (what were you DOING?!) but it was seriously so great and I can’t wait until next week.

Anyway, how was your weekend?  Mine was FANTASTIC!  Because I only had my child for ONE DAY OF IT!!!!!  Eric and I had a wedding to attend, so I brought Charlotte to my mom’s on Thursday, put her to bed, and then hightailed it the hell out of there.  My mom brought her back on Saturday evening.  It was glorious.  I’m sorry, but we all need some serious baby free time in our parenting lives.  I woke up Friday morning to an empty, quiet house.  I had hot coffee.  I got eyelash extensions, because I love to waste money on shit that falls out, I got more coffee.  I got my hair done, checked into a hotel and had an awesome time drinking and dancing all night.  In fact, the entire group of friends at the wedding was baby free.  You could literally feel the freedom and happiness oozing from each and every one of us.  Saturday morning I lounged in the big hotel bed and watched the Food Network in my underwear.  Eric and I went to IHOP and then went home and TOOK A NAP.  A NAP!!!!  When was the last time I took a nap?!  Ugh.  I miss it already.

Yesterday Char and I went to Target right when it opened because I desperately needed those big storage bins for all of the clothes that no longer fit her.  She was pretty good and stayed in the wagon almost the entire trip.  I let her pick out a toy and she chose these stupid My Little Ponies instead of the super cool Kakamora from Moana and she had buyer’s remorse the second we got to the car.  She’s been asking for the Kakamora ever since.  SOME LESSONS ARE LEARNED THE HARD WAY KIDDO.

And now I’m back at work.  Exhausted from staying up late to watch Game of Thrones and having Charlotte come into our bed at 4 AM and climbing all over me and yelling TOUCH MOMMY’S EAR every time her fingers weren’t pinching my ear lobe.  Kids just know.  She’s probably just getting me back for not buying her the Kakamora too.  I guess some lessons really are learned the hard way.

A Deal is a Deal

I had a particularly difficult afternoon yesterday afternoon after fainting on the subway on my commute home (I’m fine) and then feeling pretty shitty from that entire ordeal that when bedtime rolled around I could not for the life of my handle another night of screaming.  So I pulled out the big guns and did what I had to do.  I promised Charlotte a lollipop if she promised to go to bed without a fight and sleep in her crib like a big girl all night long.  As I lowered her into the crib she was crying at me but she was saying “no red pop! purple pop!” and I said sure thing anything you want kid but please go the F to sleep.  She cried for maybe 90 seconds and was out like a light.

She woke up at 5:20 (not fucking ideal, but I’ll take it) and I walked into her room to get her and gave her my big morning welcome that I always do.  “Good morning my baby!!!”

She stood up in the crib, looked me dead in the face, and I shit you not, said, “where my pop.”  NOT EVEN A QUESTION.  More like a demand.  As if to say, well I slept in this damn crib so where is my promised reward?

I seriously almost choked on my laughter.  But, because I never said when I would give her the pop, I told her it would come after I got home from work today.  But now I really need to give this kid a lollipop or she’ll never trust my bribes again.

If I have to choose between rotten lollipop teeth or sleep, I’m choosing sleep.  I can get her veneers.

The Definition of Insanity

So here we are once again.  Miss Charlotte Shea Schwartz has gone back to her shit sleeping ways.  Is anyone surprised?  I am telling you I am paying for some crimes I’ve committed in a past life with the sleeping habits of this one.  I have sleep trained this child more times than I can even count anymore.  This round came from sheer laziness on my part, where I let the child sleep in my bed because I felt bad for her because of the two year molar madness and because I couldn’t handle her screaming in the crib.  It started out with her waking up at 1 AM or 2 AM and coming in my bed and then devolved to not even going into her crib and just going to bed with me from the get go.  I am telling you I would let this continue every night of my life if she slept even halfway normal.  But I can’t really get much rest when a two year old is sleeping on top of me and sweating into my neck.  She also talks in her sleep, and one night started yelling at Spanky at 3 AM.  Spanky wasn’t there.  Spanky wasn’t doing anything.  Spanky was asleep at my mother’s house all nice and comfortable.  But Charlotte was asleep and screaming “NO FANKY STOP IT” into my ear in the middle of the night.  Things were going downhill fast.

We got home later than usual on Saturday night and Eric and I decided we’d let her sleep with us one last time (hahahaha yeah OK) before we forced her back into her crib last night.  And so last night she went into her crib and screamed at the top of her lungs for 35 minutes.  Which doesn’t sound that long (she’s screamed longer on other sleep training occasions) but now that she talks pretty much in full sentences all the time it was particularly painful. “DADDY OPEN THE DOOR! MOMMY OPEN THE DOOR! PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR! LAY IN MOMMY BED! PLEASE! PLEASE!” all while crying and screaming and slapping her crib.  I took a shower, I went outside, I tried to ignore her and pretend like it wasn’t happening, all while my heart was breaking.  But this is the ONLY way with her, and after almost 2 and a half years you’d think she’d get it by this point.  You think that I’d get it by this point.  She finally went to sleep and stayed in her crib until almost 6 AM and wasn’t scarred by the traumatic bedtime experience like I always think she will be.  In fact, the first words she said to me when I got her were, “mommy! I fart!”  So she was clearly fine.

But the really sick part of this whole ordeal was when I went to bed and was actually upset that she wasn’t next to me and I missed her.  Am I insane or what?  I spend all day with her, let her cry like a banshee because she needs to sleep in her own room, and then I get upset because I miss her.  What is wrong with me?!

Let’s hope tonight is better because honestly with her, I never know.

Bribes for Babies

I’ve hit a point with Charlotte where I can try to speak rationally with her.  I’ll ask her a question, she’ll give me an answer, and so it goes.  She’ll tell me what she wants for dinner (usually nothing, because who needs food?), I’ll make it (usually throw some Teddy Grahams or pretzels in a bowl because some food is better than no food, right?) and we can actually have a nice little chat.

But then there are times.  OH THERE ARE TIMES.  Times with a toddler who thinks she is completely independent and there is no way I can get her to do what I want.  And so I have come to use bribery as a tool in my arsenal. AND I DON’T FEEL BAD ABOUT IT.

You guys.  Do you know how much shit you can get your kid to do if you tell them if they do it you’ll give them a lollipop or a donut?  SO. MANY. THINGS.  On the 4th of July I needed her to take a damn nap so I could finish cooking my food to bring to my friend’s house, and also because if she didn’t nap she would be a grade-A asshole and ruin the entire day.  She was resisting my efforts every step of the way.  And then I said, “if you take a nap, mommy will let you have a red pop sometime!” And she looked up at me soooo happy and screamed RED POP RED POP and then closed her eyes and slept for two hours.  AND THE BEST PART! I didn’t specify when I would give her a red pop, so it did not have to be upon the completion of the nap.  She didn’t even ask! I WON THAT ROUND SO HARD.

Another time I wanted her to sit in her stroller for the duration of a walk to get coffee and do some errands prior to going to the playground.  She did not want to go in the stroller, because why get pushed in a relaxing seat when you could make your mother hold you?  I told her if she sat in her stroller the whole time like a good girl I’d get her a donut.  I got her a donut that time and she ate it (only after I removed every sprinkle from it, because she’s weird as shit and doesn’t like sprinkles) and sat in her stroller forever and I didn’t have to break my back carrying her.  ANOTHER WIN.

I mean, this is probably not the best parenting technique.  I’m sure half of you are rolling your eyes, and that’s okay.  But sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures, and so I will continue to bribe her with lollipops and donuts.  I just won’t always specify when she can have them.  That’s the mark of a good negotiator if you ask me.

5 Day Weekends are the Best

Hi there!! Sorry for the hiatus – I was off from work for a glorious 5 days and had some fun stuff to do for the holiday weekend!  And today I am exhausted AF because the fireworks never stopped last night and Charlotte was in my bed at 8:40 and had to sleep on top of me all night and I was up pretty much the. entire. night.  YIKES.  Oh well.  I guess things could be worse, right?  She had SO much fun this weekend.  Eric and I took her to the Bronx Zoo on Sunday even though it was 90 degrees and we were sweating like the animals we were seeing.  Charlotte was more into the puddles and the water inside the exhibits than the actual animals, which makes no sense to me, but toddlers never make sense.  Every puddle of water she saw she would scream “jump in the water!” and we had to constantly tell her to look at the animals and not the stagnant pools of god knows what on the floor.  All of the gorillas happened to be sleeping which pissed her off.  She kept yelling at them to wake up but I guess because it was 90 degrees they all just lay there not moving.  Can’t say I blame them!

We went swimming on Monday and yesterday we spent the day at my friend’s house where we had entirely too much delicious food and the kids played together for hours.  It was just so nice to be outside having fun and enjoying our time together that I was a little sad I had to come back to work today.

Also, all we watch is Moana, all we listen to is Moana.  My mom bought her a Moana shirt and she had to wear it immediately.  On Friday we went shopping with my mom and I am a sucker who bought her a Moana baby doll and the chicken Hei-Hei and I caught her in her room with the dolls playing the music from my phone and making them dance.  So while I am pretty sick of all things Moana, it’s pretty damn cute to see her so obsessed.  But I really don’t want to have to sing “You’re Welcome” ever again.

Cause You’re Hot and You’re Cold…

Sometimes I don’t really understand how Charlotte’s brain works.  She picks things up pretty easily (except for potty training, this kid will never be potty trained) and she has a better memory than I do.  But there are times when I look at her and I just wonder, what planet did you come from?

For example, she has this obsession with things that are hot or cold.  She has to ask me if everything is hot or cold.  The bath water, any type of food item, my hands, her toys, the sky.  The obsession mostly has to do with food though.  When I make myself something to eat she stares at it and then screams in my face: “mommy hot? mommy cold? mommy HOT?!?!?” until I tell her the temperature of the food I am eating.  She likes when my food is hot because then she gets to blow on it.  She really gets excited when she sees steam rising up from food because then she knows it’s hot and doesn’t have to ask me, she can just scream at me that it’s hot.  This is a really fun time in our lives you guys.

Up until last night, she always liked her food the temperatures they were supposed to be.  I asked if she wanted her mac and cheese for dinner (I’ve been feeding her the same macaroni and cheese for days, but it has pureed cauliflower in it, so bite me) and she hollered back at me “YAY MACKENYONY!”  So I went to put it in the microwave but she went ape shit.  As one does when their mother is preparing nurturing food for them.

“NO HOT MACKENYONY! NO HOT!” So I looked at her and asked if she seriously wanted cold, congealed, days old mac and cheese.  And she told me yes.

And so I fed her cold, congealed, days old mac and cheese.  But it has CAULIFLOWER IN IT.  Sooooo I win.  Right?


Any of you guys out there just get tired?  And I’m not talking the usual parental exhaustion, I’m talking about just being tired of everything.  Tired of cleaning a house that continues to get dirty and messy and contemplating if it would just be easier to light a match and set it all on fire.  Tired of having to buy groceries and then actually make meals out of those groceries.  Tired of laundry.  The washing, the folding, the putting away.  Losing socks.  WHERE DO THE SOCKS GO?!  I’m sick of losing socks.  I’m tired of commuting.  Driving to a train station and taking multiple trains that consistently have delays and are hot and crowded and full of miserable people who are probably just as tired as I am of losing fucking socks.  It’s really all coming back to the socks.  Maybe if the dryer spit out pairs of socks like you put into it nobody would have anything to complain about.

I sound like such a whining bitch right now.  I know I do.  And I apologize for my complaining and behavior.  I just have a to do list that never gets done and sometimes it’s pretty overwhelming.  I spent 2 hours cleaning my house yesterday while my mom graciously kept my daughter and it still feels a mess.  I bought groceries and I don’t want to cook anything at all.  I just want things to be done for me.  That’s the dream people.  Getting a live in nanny/maid/cook/to do list doer/sock finder.

I promise tomorrow I will come back in a better mood.  It is Monday after all.


OMG YOU GUYS.  I have been waiting for Moana to be released on Netflix so I could force Charlotte to watch it.  I’ve actually been waiting to show it to her since I dragged Eric to see it in the movies last November.  And even he loved it, like I knew he would.  Anyway, it finally came out two days ago and we are ALL. ABOUT. MOANA.  It is one of the happiest times of my life.  Charlotte has never sat and watched a movie in her whole life.  We are always just watching snippets of videos or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse all. the. time.  So I told her that we were going to watch something really special together and I put Moana on, and now she has been asking for it every time she sees the TV.  And I oblige her, of course, because WHO DOESN’T LOVE MOANA?

The first time she saw it she asked me 750 million questions as the movie was going on.  Let me just point out the fact that she hasn’t seen past the first 25 minutes yet (UGH COME ON KID) because she keeps asking to rewind certain parts in the beginning over and over and over again.  She’ll say to me, “BABY IN THE POOL!” and by this she means the one scene where baby Moana is in the ocean for the first time, and I have now seen this scene a grand total of 612 million times.  I like that she thinks the ocean is a pool, because she’s only seen pools and never oceans.  I should get this kid out some more.

Anyway, she’s starting to dance to the songs and requests that I dance with her.  AND HONESTLY THIS IS MY DREAM.  Dancing to Disney movies that I love with my baby.  Singing the songs with my baby!  DISNEY FOREVER!!!!

I seriously cannot wait to introduce her to all of the Disney movies I love so much.  After we watch all of Moana, which let’s be honest, could take weeks, The Little Mermaid is up next.  And then Hercules.  Because Hercules is an American treasure and seriously does not get enough credit in the world of Disney movies if you ask me.

Mommy’s Little Helper

We didn’t have the best night last night.  Charlotte’s 2 year molars are coming in and have resulted in her being kind of a mess.  She doesn’t want to eat anything and she’s just acting like a real Richard. (Get it?  Please tell me you got it.  Moving on.)  Anyway, 10 minutes after we put her to bed she was awake screaming her head off, then Eric went in to relax with her but she was in my bed by 9:45 anyway.  She spent the hours between 1 & 3 alternating between laying on top of me, crying that her hair is in her face or that her shirt was riding up or that her pants were too tight (they weren’t) and also trying to throw herself off the bed.  So needless to say, I was pretty tired this morning and was hoping she would keep sleeping while I had to get ready for work.  Spoiler alert: she didn’t.

However, the cutest damn thing happened that made me forget about how tired I was for a minute.  After whining that she wanted me to lay in bed with her (I wish baby girl, I wish) I told her I had to get ready and I asked if she wanted to help me pick out my clothes.  She told me to turn the light on (“yight on mama”) and I said I would pick out two outfits and she could choose which one I would wear.  She sat up in bed and was so attentive, I mean, she even put my phone down for a hot second, and I presented her with a blue dress and a black dress.  Her eyes got wide and she shouted, “blue mama! blue!” and that was that.  I am now wearing my blue dress.  She even picked a necklace for me.  It was just a really cute moment that I am now sharing with you all because I think it’s important to equally share her Richard moments (you got it now, right? RIGHT?!)  with her super cute kid moments.

Now if only I could take a little nap.