No Pants Are The Best Pants

Last weekend my brother and I were going to go out to breakfast with Charlotte and just as we were about to leave she peed through her pants.  So, because I was hungry and rushing to get out the door, I threw a pair of capri leggings on her, forgetting that she HATES when her pants ride up and therefore would not tolerate capris.  I realized my mistake the second we got in the car.  My brother tried to fix the problem by pulling her socks up over the capris to make it seem like she was wearing long pants, which left the effect of her wearing high baseball socks.  But, because the socks would not stay up, Charlotte was not having it.  Kids are very particular about the shit they do and do not like, and Charlotte was not going to tolerate capri leggings for one second.

We got into the booth at the restaurant and immediately she wanted the shoes and socks off.  And then she was pulling on the pants so hard trying to get them to go to her ankle, but of course they wouldn’t.  So I did the only logical thing there was to do at this moment in time.


I obviously took her pants off.  And let her stay like this the entire time.  And you know what?  She was awesome.  Not one tantrum, not one fit.  She sat there and ate her corn muffin and her fruit and played with her balloon and was happy as a clam.  Sometimes no pants are the best pants.

My Cuddle Bug

Ugh you guys.  This stage we’re in right now is the best I tell you.  THE. BEST.  Sure, we have our terrible two tantrums, and we have 750 variations of the word no, and we have the sassy attitude.  But the cuddles.  OH THE CUDDLES.  I can’t even handle how cute it is.  Yesterday we went to the science museum because the weather was so crappy, and when we got home Eric and I let her nap in our bed.  The three of us cuddled up and I sang songs for about 20 minutes until she passed out on me.  The three of us slept with the rain outside and it was perfection.  But then last night when it was time for bed, Char wanted to go in our bed again.  And I’m usually super firm with my rules at bedtime, but she was too cute in her demands, so the three of us piled in bed again.  “Mommy’s bed!” she shouted.  “Yight off!” (She pronounces all of her L’s like Y’s and I don’t correct her because it’s too adorable right now.)  She curled into me and put her arms around me neck and any time I tried to move she pulled me closer.  “Mommy’s bed! Mommy hug!”  How could I say no? She was kissing my face and my lips and asking me to sing.  Eric was laying there next to her and rubbing her back.  She was getting sleepier but refusing to give in and after about 10 minutes Eric took her to her room even though she was protesting loudly.  She went to sleep in like 2 seconds, but the bedtime cuddling was just the best.  I love this stage so much.  It makes all of the sassy tantrums totally worth it.  More cuddles forever!

Reasons Why Charlotte Got Mad at Me

Last night Charlotte got mad at me for the following reasons:

  • I could not wear her pants.  She kept trying to get me to put them on me but I am obviously not a size 2T.  She was displeased.
  • I took my glasses off to rub my eyes.  Lately she has been having a an apoplectic fit any time she doesn’t see me with my glasses on and screams in my face “GLASSES ON!”  I guess I can never get contacts.
  • The bath water was not the proper temperature for her demanding ass.  “Too cold!  Too warm! Get out!”  And then she threw a bucket of water at me to prove her point.
  • She was upset that I didn’t have pink polish on my fingernails like I do on my toenails.  Then she wanted me to paint them black and green and when I told her no she cried.  If you want to pay for my manicures kid, I’ll paint them any color you want.
  • I tried to make myself something to eat.  After feeding her a yogurt, soup, an apple & pretzels I was getting pretty hungry myself and just wanted to eat some salad.  This pissed her off.  “NO MAMA COME HERE!” I guess she just wants me to starve so I can fit into her 2T pants.
  • The itsy bitsy spider video that she requested had a purple spider and not a green spider.  Then I found a green spider but it wasn’t the correct green spider.  Do you know how many itsy bitsy spider videos there are?  How many different colored green spiders are floating around the Internets?  Do you know there are also incy wincy spider videos?  IS IT ITSY BITSY OR INCY WINCY?! WHAT IS IT! STOP THIS MADNESS!
  • It was time to go to bed.  This always pisses her off.  I really don’t know why because the time that she goes to bed can only be trumped in my favorite things in all of the world by the time that I go to bed.  BED TIME IS THE BEST TIME.

When Words Aren’t Enough

I’m trying to find the words today to be funny or witty or just share some motherhood musings, but I can’t.  I learned about the attack last night in Manchester at an Ariana Grande concert with an alert that popped up on my phone.  At that time there were no confirmed casualties and much uncertainty.  I woke up this morning, brought Charlotte in bed with me with sleep rimmed eyes, and read that there are so far 22 deaths and 59 injuries.  Two confirmed deaths are an 18 year old girl and an 8 year old girl.  ISIS has claimed responsibility for the attacks and are seen celebrating online.  The bomb used was sophisticated and filled with nails in order to inflict as much damage as possible.  I am crying as I write this, because I cannot believe we live in a world where someone could be filled with so much hatred that they are compelled to blow themselves up in order to kill children and young adults.  Individuals who haven’t even started to live their lives fully yet.  That these people can celebrate such an atrocity.  I don’t understand it.  I don’t know why this is the world we live in.

These people were out to have a good time at a concert.  How many concerts have you been to?  I’ve been to so many and can not imagine the terror and horror these people had to face.  I can’t imagine being at an event in which you are there to have fun and end the night running away from an explosion.  I can’t imagine being a parent going to pick up a child and you can’t find them because they are dead or injured.  Why does this have to happen?  This world we’ve brought our children into is so very different than the world I grew up in.  I feel like I never want to let Charlotte out of my sight even though I know that isn’t a feasible answer or any way to respond to a situation like this.  But I don’t know what else to feel other than sheer terror that things like this continue to happen and can be done anywhere at any time.  It’s like nothing is safe.

It sounds cheap and empty to me to say my thoughts and prayers are with everyone that was affected by this horror.  I don’t know anyone in Manchester, but I can’t stop thinking of those people I don’t know, and the faces I’ve never seen before except for those plastered on the newspapers, of the dead and wounded whose lives are irrevocably changed.  But that’s all I have right now.  All I have are my thoughts and my prayers, and I send them over the ocean, a world away.  I pray for the families who lost their beautiful kids.  Kids they have probably complained about just like I complain about my own.  Kids who they would give anything to have back.  It seems stupid to me right now to have a blog to bitch about my kids shitty sleeping habits when things like this happen.  I would stay up every day for the rest of my life with my shitty sleeper if it meant something like this would never happen to her.  I’m sure these parents now feel the same.  I cannot imagine what they are going through and my heart breaks for them.  I pray for the young people who now have this experience in their lives.  Nobody should go through something like this, least of all children.

Words aren’t enough.  But words are all I have.  God bless the people of Manchester today and every day.

Hold your loved ones a little tighter today, guys.  Don’t sweat the small stuff.  Call your families to say hello.  You never know what tomorrow may bring.

A Day Spent Outside is a Day Well Spent

It was such a gorgeous day in New York yesterday that I knew I would have to spend all of it outside with Charlotte.  We went to the park early in the morning, walked around together, played with a new dog friend and shared a tangerine on the steps.  Then she took a nap in my bed which was awesome because I got to sit around and play The Sims 4 because I am clearly a mature adult, and then when she woke up we had some lunch, met up with our neighbors and went to another park.  Lots of walking because she won’t go in the stroller or the wagon because she always has to find ways to make my life difficult, but I figure all the times I have to carry her it’s just extra exercise for me, right?  Right.  This was her face when we put her in the wagon though.  She is so pissed that it makes me laugh every time I look at it.


She had a really good time though and I love watching her be able to do more and more of the playground stuff without my help.  Here she is after she climbed up the big ladder.  She was very proud of herself and would clap every time she did it and make us clap with her.


Those damn pink shoes though.  She will not stop wearing those pink shoes!!  I HAVE SO MANY SHOES FOR YOU CHARLOTTE WHYYYYY.

Once Eric got home from softball the three of us went and took a nice walk to Red Mango for frozen yogurt.  It’s not a far walk but it’s not exactly up the block and Charlotte surprised me by walking the entire way home.  She really enjoyed her ice cream, so much so that she got off my lap to dance around the place and start sliding on the floor like she is in a music video.  I have a video of it but apparently I don’t pay for premium access on this site and therefore cannot share it with you here.  Which is annoying, but I guess that’s what happens when you choose the free option.  Oh well.

All in all it was an awesome day and she went to bed in like 3 minutes flat.  She woke up at 1:45 having a nightmare though, so that was fun.  It actually wasn’t that bad, she just cuddled up next to me and went right back to sleep.  There are worse things in the world than sleeping next to a cuddly toddler, am I right?

I hope you all had a great weekend!

Kids Say The Darndest Things

Last night I was in the kitchen eating a sad salad because I’ve had way too many fattening delicious things lately when Charlotte came in and walked behind me.  The next thing I know she was slapping my butt and shouting “mama butt! butt! butt!” and then she started slapping it harder and then began shouting “big butt!” And then she walked away laughing.

And this, my friends, is why I was eating a salad.

Funny Little Things

I’ve climbed out of my black hole of misery and self pity because I think Jesus himself read my blog post yesterday and sensed my desperation because Charlie girl went to sleep last night in under 10 minutes and I didn’t need to do anything different! Except I gave her Motrin in the bathtub.  So maybe the answer is drugs?  Drugs sound good.

So now I can focus on the good and funny things again.  Because Charlotte is really getting funnier every day.  The very first thing she does when I come home from work is say “mama come here” because she wants me to pick her up, except she pronounces here like HEA and sounds like a mini Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny.  Then she grabs both of my ear lobes and demands that I take my earrings out.  She has finally moved on from grabbing my nipples and now focuses solely on my ears!  It is a wondrous occasion!! I actually don’t remember the last time she went for my boobs.  My nipples are really and truly free!  Too bad I have pancake boobs now.  Thanks a lot breastfeeding.  Anyway, I take my sunglasses off when I get in the house and she looks at me and goes “mama where your glasses?”  Except where is pronounced whea.  Again, little Marisa Tomei.  I then have to put my glasses back on so she can stick her fingers underneath them and try to poke my eyes.  We do this for about 5 whole minutes.  She thinks it is hilarious.  Kids are weird.

Also, the other night in the bathtub she started to point to her belly button and stick her finger in it excitedly, except she calls it a belly bunny.  I almost died.  I said where is your belly button and she goes “RIGHT THEA!” (do you see a pattern here?) and then says THEA BELLY BUNNY!  I have a video of it but unfortunately her vagina is in it, because we were in the bathtub, and I don’t want to put that on the internet.  I’ve got to try to get a video of it with all of her clothes on.  Which is hard to do considering the child likes to have nothing on most of the time.  I can’t really blame her though considering we just went from 54 degrees to Satan’s asshole in a span of 3 days and it’s too hot for clothes.

Thanks for always reading my rants, my cries and my mindless chatter and coming to my rescue with advice and a shoulder to cry on.  You guys are the best.